big vent, heavy TWs for a lot
i wish i could stop body checking myself in the mirror, just brush my teeth, and go on my way or whatever, give myself a smile even, or something. That surgeon really got into my head i think... and i hate hate that...
my brain is making me think im too big for a blanket to wrap around me, too big to fit in my chair, too big to pick up, too big to cuddle properly, too big for anything... looking at old photos of myself and seeing how small and skinny i used to be, and wishing i was that size again... and that just isn't right. I was struggling with a heavy HEAVY eating disorder back when i was so young, and so what if i don't have an hour glass figure? I'm soft... But shouldn't i feel my ribs again, whenever i can sometimes i feel happy, and that is so messed up...
thank you medical system for messing up that young little girl, thanks my family for giving me confusing and guilty feelings in regards to food (lets not forget the constant poking at me and making remarks), thanks bullies at school for calling me fat when i was actually showing bones, thanks one of my ex's for seeing me as nothing but a breeding machine that he'd want to keep home and feed and feed, and thanks body for becoming disabled and ill where i struggle now to be active where i once used to be active daily, thanks american clothing malls for judging me for not fitting that size 9 or smaller, and thank you brain, you fucking stupid piece of shit for reminding me of all this horrible shit when i thought we were over it!!!!!
anyway, i just needed to word vomit out of my system because man my brain wont stop wont stop... i'm more than numbers I AM MORE THAN NUMBERS!! I AM MORE THAN MY BODY PLEASE WHY CAN'T YOU VIEW ME AS MORE THAN MY B ODY!!!??